Who I Am
by storming-wolf
Summary: It wasn't Nick's fault that he had so many mental disorders, but Joe shouldn't hate him for it. All Nicholas Lucas ever wanted was for Joseph Lucas to love him, even if he was different. Slight AU. Nevin not slash though
1. One Dinner Mishap

So my phone's dying and I wanted to update for today, but I had nothing finished! So I'm writing all I updates off the top of my head today(mainly from memory of what I wrote) cuz my mom is using the charger. This one was a finished chapter for a challenge over on JBFFA and I just changed names and stuff for this.

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_Nicholas Lucas ran onto the stage with his Gibson guitar in his hands. He heard the roar of the fans in the audience and smiled. He lived to see their happiness when he stepped foot on that stage. He looked back at his older brother who smiled and gave him thumbs up._

"Okay, we're gonna start tonight with a few of my old favorites," Nick said. Everyone screamed.

**"I want someone to love me,**" Nick sang. "**Who I am. I want someone to need me, is that so bad?**" Nick looked out in the audience. He saw his wife and his 3 year old daughter Nicole. Next to them was Nick's sister in-law and Kevin's wife, Danielle, and his niece and nephew, Kevin Jr and Madison. He saw the empty seats next to him. He understood that Frankie was running late from his first week of college, but he invited Joe as well. He searched all of America looking for his brother who left his life a long time ago. He shouldn't have gotten his hopes up. Joe wouldn't come to support Nick, he never did. Even when he needed it the most, Joe was never there to comfort him. It started back in 1998, 20 long years ago…

**_May, 1998_**

Nick lied on the floor and drew a picture. "Mommy, you have," Nick twitched. He hated when that happened when he talked, but he had Tourettes Syndrome. "Have to give this to the lady at the talking place."

"Is it a drawing of one of your nightmares?" Sandy asked. Nick nodded and twitched again. He had a nightmare disorder as well. He saw Kevin.

"Kev! Let's play soccer! No, baseball! No, football! No, let's run in circles!" Nick exclaimed.

"Sure! C'mon, let go!" Kevin said. Kevin was 11 and understood that Nick had no control over the way he acted. He also had ADHD. Kevin and Nick ran around in circles in the backyard until they were dizzy and fell. They laughed. Nick saw a soccer ball and ran towards it.

"I bet I-I can beat you," Nick said, twitching as he spoke. Kevin kicked it to Nick, who was staring of to space now.

"Nick? Nick? Nick, snap out of it bro," Kevin said. Nick twitched and blinked. He saw Kevin standing in front of him and hugged him.

"Never leave me! Please! Don't!" Nick begged. Kevin saw he had tears in his eyes. Also on the list of Nick's mental disorders was a phobia of being alone,

"I won't Nick. I promise," Kevin said. He held his little brother, who probably had a day dream that was scary to him. "C'mon. Let's do our homework."

"Homework? Oh man, I knew I forgot something!" Nick said.

"That's okay. Do you have any friends who live around here?" Kevin asked. Nick looked at his feet.

"He doesn't have friends," Joe said. "He acts too weird to get any."

"Shut up Joe," Kevin said.

"Make me," Joe said.

"Look Joe, you have an option to sleep with your teeth in your mouth, or out," Kevin said. Nick screamed and ran inside.

"Mommy!" Nick said.

"What's wrong sweetie?" Sandy asked.

"Kevin and Joe," Nick said.

"Are they fighting again?" Sandy asked. Nick nodded. She went outside to find them wrestling in the grass. "Boys stop it! Why are you fighting this time?"

"Joe keeps calling Nick weird and Nick isn't weird. Nick's being who he is and he's not gonna change Joe!" Kevin said.

"Well he needs too!" Joe said. He stormed off to his room. Sandy went into the house after him.

"Kevin, why doesn't Joe love me?" Nick asked.

"Deep down he does Nick. He just doesn't know how to express it," Kevin lied. He also had doubts about Joe too.

"You love me, right?" Nick asked.

"Always have and always will," Kevin said.

"Tics and all?" Nick asked.

"Tics and all," Kevin said. He walked with Nick into the house.

"Its time to take your medicine Nick," Tom said. Nick nodded and ran into the kitchen and took his medicine. He hugged his dad, who ruffled his curls. He then went into the room he shared with Kevin.

"Whatcha doin?" Nick asked.

"Homework. Multiplication is hard! How am I supposed to know what 6 times 9 is?" Kevin asked.

"Easy! 53!" Nick said.

"How do you know?" Kevin asked.

"I read your math book one day. If you add 6 9 times, you get 53!" Nick said.

"You sure are smart. Ha! Now I'm done! Thanks Nick!" Kevin said. Nick grabbed Kevin's guitar and handed it to him.

"Play for me," Nick said, sitting on his bed. Kevin nodded and started playing. Nick watched Kevin's fingers dance across the six strings and smiled. He always wondered how he did that and wanted to do so too.

"_Twinkle, Twinkle little star, how I wonder what you are_," Kevin sang.

"_Up above the world so high, like a diamond in the sky_," Nick sang. Kevin abruptly stopped playing and looked at his little brother, who he had never heard sing before. "What?"

"You're voice is amazing!" Kevin said.

"Really? Joe says it's girly," Nick said.

"It's not girly; it's just a higher pitch because you're young. You're about a boy soprano now, you'll be a tenor by time you finish high school," Kevin said.

"How do you know so much about singing?" Nick asked.

"I wanna be a record producer when I'm older," Kevin said. "I could find the next Hanson!"

"Or me and you can be the next Hanson!" Nick joked.

"That can be an idea," Kevin said.

"If we do, I can play guitar too. But you have to teach me," Nick said."Sure, why don't we start now," Kevin said. He sat next to Nick. "Okay, so there are six strings on a guitar. The tiny one at the bottom is called the high E string. It's also called string 1."

"Can I play it?" Nick asked.

"Sure!" Kevin said. Nick plucked the string and smiled. "Now, the second string is the B string. The third is G, the fourth is D, the fifth is A, and the last is low E. Let me see your left hand."

Nick put his left hand out and Kevin put it on the frets. He put the guitar on Nick's lap. "Okay, strum all the strings," Kevin said, Nick did as he was told.

"What was that?" Nick asked.

"A chord. The G chord to be exact," Kevin said.

"Yay! I played a chord!" Nick said. Kevin and Nick spent two hours playing guitar before it was time for dinner. Nick learned a lot and wrote most of it down in a notebook.

"Mom, Nick's good at playing guitar. I taught him a little bit today," Kevin said at dinner.

"And I haven't had a tic in hours!" Nick said.

"That's good honey," Sandy said.

"Can someone pass the salad?" Joe said. He hadn't spoken all of dinner because he was mad that he was grounded. Nick picked up the bowl and gave it to Joe, but as he did, he had a tic and knocked the entire bowl onto Joe. Nick gasped.

"Joe! I-I'm so s-sorry! It just h-happened, I didn't m-mean it," Nick said. He sighed because he knew he was having a random attack of tics which usually happened when he didn't have them in a while. Joe bit his lip and screamed. He knocked the salad off of his body and went to his room. "K-Kevin?"

"Yeah Nick?" Kevin asked.

"Can we go to bed now?" Nick asked, on the verge of crying.

"Dad, is it okay?" Kevin asked.

"Go ahead," Tom said. Kevin took Nick's hand and went to their room. Nick started crying as soon as Kevin closed the door.

"Shh. Don't cry," Kevin said.

"I want to be normal so Joe will love me, but I can't. I just want him to love me Kevin, but he doesn't. Not even deep down," Nick said. Kevin hugged him.

"He does Nick, he really does," Kevin said. He dried the tears from Nick's face. "Let's get ready for bed."

"I love you Kevin," Nick said, tears still falling from his eyes.

"I love you too Nick, no matter what's wrong with you," Kevin said.

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**RECAP:** _Nick has the following disorders: **Tourettes Syndrome**(where you have random moments of twitching), **ADHD**(where you have a hard time sitting still, always high energy, has a habit of losing intrest in stuff), and can't remember some things),** a phobia of being alone**(self explainitory), and **Nightmare Disorder**(where you have frequent nightmares like every night and they scare you to a point where you don't wanna fall asleep. They also seem vivid and real and sometimes you can feel pain from it)._

Google them if you want further info. Until next update!


	2. The Deathly Nightmare

"No...no...no," Nick mumbled.

"Nick?" Kevin said, sitting up. He glanced at his clock, seeing that was 3 am.

"Kevin...no...come back," Nick started panicking.

"Nick!" Kevin said.

"Can't...breathe," Nick said.

"NICK!" Kevin yelled. He ran over to his brother's bed and shook him. Nick seemed to be shaking worse than when he had a tic and he was turning blue.

"MOM! DAD! I DON'T THINK NICK'S BREATHING!" Kevin yelled. "Nick, wake up! I'm right here! I didn't leave! It's just a dream!" Tom and Sandy ran into the room.

"What do you mean he's not breathing?" Tom asked.

"He kept saying 'No' and 'Kevin come back' and then he said 'can't breathe' and, I should've woke him up the moment I realized he was having a nightmare," Kevin said. He began crying. Tom picked up his phone and called 911.

"My son stopped breathing in his sleep. His brother said he was having a nightmare and he said he can't breathe...yes...629 Franklin Avenue...yes," Tom said. He walked over to Nick and felt his pulse. "Its barely there."

"Mommy, it's my fault," Kevin said. Sandy hugged him.

"Its not sweetie," Sandy said. "Wake up your brother. The both of you need to put on shoes and a jacket."

"Okay," Kevin said. He walked into his brother's room. "Joe wake up."

"Noooo," Joe groaned.

"Nick might be dying," Kevin said. Joe sat up.

"W-what?" Joe asked.

"Nick might be dying. He stopped breathing and Dad's on the phone with 911. Its not like you care," Kevin said.

"He might be dying, of course I care!" Joe said.

"Then why do you always act like you hate him. Do you know how he went to sleep tonight? Depressed that you don't love him. He wants to be normal for you Joseph! You treat him like dirt and walk right over him for what? God made him this way for a reason, so why can't you accept him for that?" Kevin asked. He heard the sirens stopping in front of the house.

In Nick and Kevin's room, EMTs rushed into Nick's room. They put a heart monitor on Nick, which was a flat line. They put a breathing mask over Nick's mouth and kept doing CPR. Try after try, the line remained flat. At 4:13, the line finally started going up and down. Nick began coughing. Every breathed a sigh of relief, but no one knew what caused it. They put Nick on a stretcher and put him into an ambulance. Sandy went in the ambulance with Nick while Tom drove Kevin and Joe. Nick held his Mom's hand as a psychologist came into the room.

"Hello Nicholas. I'm Dr. Bush. Do you know what kind of doctor I am?" Dr. Bush asked.

"The kind I see at the talking place?" Nick asked.

"The therapy center," Sandy whispered.

"Yes. Now, I hear you have a few mental illnesses. What are they?" Dr. Bush asked.

"Tourettes, ADHD, I don't like being alone, and I have really bad nightmares," Nick said.

"Did you have a nightmare last night?" Dr. Bush asked.

"Yeah. Kevin was playing guitar and I was singing, but then there was a hurricane. The hurricane carried Kevin away and the building collapsed. Kevin was gone," Nick began crying. "And I couldn't breathe. I couldn't. Then I remember sitting on a cloud playing guitar and then I woke up on my bed coughing and there were doctors and everyone was crying."

"Well the dream seemed so real to you, you actually stopped breathing. The doctors managed to save you, but its best you stay here today so you don't go into shock," Dr. Bush said.

"Mommy, where's Kevin?" Nick asked.

"He and Joe are on their way with your Dad," Sandy said. As if on cue, Kevin ran into the room and hugged Nick.

"I swear the next time you have a nightmare I'll wake you up the second I realize it," Kevin said.

"I'm okay Kevin. It wasn't your fault," Nick said.

"Kevin's been worried about you ever since you passed out," Tom said as he came in with Joe. Joe was silent and sat on a chair by the door.

"He has to stay over night," Sandy said.

"I'm glad I bought you this then," Kevin said, giving Nick a stuffed animal. Nick took the teddy bear and held it tight.

"You bought Teddy!" Nick said. Nick had the little bear since he was 3. It was kind of old looking but bought Nick a lot of joy.

"Okay boys, I think we should let Nick rest up and you two have school in the morning," Sandy said. Kevin hugged Nick.

"Bye Nicky. I love you," Kevin said.

"I love you too," Nick said sleepily. He closed his eyes and was fast asleep.

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I wrote this half asleep...sorry. I also wrote it watching Criminal Minds...its my new fave show


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